I haven't checked in here for a while. I decided that it was time. I really needed to get some things out there and Pour Your Heart Out.
So, today that is what I am doing here.
From some of the blogs that I have read, I know quite a few of you have younger kids and that is one reason I am writing this. Hopefully it will help you as much as it (hopefully) helps me.
Princess ShaneyLou turned 14 last month.
For about the past year, Princess Shaney has just struggled with school, actually it has probably been 3-4 years. I never knew what was really going on. Then a couple of weeks ago, her friend sent me an email that Princess Shaney had sent to her:
"I want to die so bad because in the summer of 2008, I lost my first
best friend. My grandpa. He was the ONLY one in my family that ever
cared about me. He used to always sing to me when I was sad and he was
always there to cheer me up. Then in 5th grade I came home one day,
and I wondered where my dad was cause I had something important and
exciting to tell him! But my mom told me that he was in jail.. He
raped his now ex wife. I was terrified, angry, hurt, and confused. To
think, he could've raped me. I never forgave him. My grandma bailed
him out about a week later. Things went okay for awhile. I couldn't
trust him anymore tho. I never went to his house and I barely talked
to him. He always yelled at me for not talking to him or going to his
house. I was terrified of him. Finally I kinda got over the fear but I
would always lock my bed room door every night that I stayed there.
Then things were okay for awhile. But then in sixth grade I came home
one day and my mom told me my dad was back in jail. I was beyond
pissed. I told myself I wouldn't speak to him ever again. It hurt me
the most. Because I haven't had him in my life as much as my brothers
and sister have. And again. About a week later my grandma bailed him
out. I went like 3 weeks not speaking to him. But then I broke. I had
to talk to him. I still didn't trust him. I almost took my life. I almost took
my life again last June. And then again September. And in December.
I've wanted to die for so long. It's not a matter of how, it's a
matter of when. But I promised myself, I wouldn't take my life until I
thanked my favorite bands. Their music was there for me. When no one
else was. I've tried to get help, but no one will help me. They all
just say I'm an attention whore. And that I should go kill myself.
That no one would care. And honestly, I'm starting to believe them.
Cause honestly everyone always leaves. I just wanna be with my first
best friend again".
I had no clue any of this was going on. I had no clue she was scared of her dad. I had no clue she was having suicidal thoughts, until this email.
A couple of days after receiving the email, I noticed that she had marks on her arms, she had started cutting herself. I called that day and got her into counseling the next day.
We have been to 4 sessions; Sometimes I think it is helping and other times, I don't think it is. I do know that it is going to be a long hard road and it is going to take a long time to get through all of this.
That is all for now. I will try to keep updating weekly.
Til We Meet Again! Pam